The Truth About Pregnancy

So you read the books, ask around, take the classes but there is nothing that can really prepare you for pregnancy.  Though they give what we’ll call….gentle warnings, they don’t really tell you how it is. So I’m going to.

 

They say, you will probably experience morning sickness during the first trimester.  What they really meant to say was, you will be sick…all the time…most of the day…without warning…for no particular reason. None of this “morning” stuff, it’s any freaking time of the day!  3:00AM…you got it.

They say you will probably experience some breast tenderness. Today, tenderness.  A few weeks ago…nothing but pain! You might wish you never had them.

They say you might experience mild cramping during the fist few weeks due to your girl parts expanding.  Mild, yes.  But wait, I can’t take anything for it like when I am on my period or use a heating pad….or hot bath? Oh, this sucks.

They say to enjoy your sleep because in 9 months you won’t get any.  What they really mean is that it’s already too late because you’re already screwed.  With the cramping, nausea, and urinating three times a night, good luck.

They say that you can expect your breasts to get bigger.  What they really mean is, say goodbye to a bra that actually fits you.  Unless you are willing to buy a different sized bra every month or so, well, have fun.

They say you might experience some sinus congestion.  Congestion?  How about the constant flow of boogers day and night.  I am addicted to the vaporizer which only seems to help mildly.

They say you might experience a heightened sense of smell.  What they really mean is that you can smell EVERYTHING times 10. The refrigerator that had a slightly musty smell now stinks like aging compost. The bread maker on the counter smells like a skunk.  The smell of urine is enough to make you puke even without feeling sick.

They never warned me about the gagging. I gag when I blow my nose. I gag when I think about blowing my nose. I gag when I go to the bathroom.  I gag when I brush my teeth. I gag when I try to swallow those nasty vitamins.  I gag when I think about swallowing those nasty vitamins.

They say that dental hygiene is very important while you are pregnant.  What they really mean is that it is nearly impossible to keep even the simplest routine for keeping your mouth clean.  Brushing twice a day? Forget it. AM brushings have been few and far between since this is my prime gag time. Tongue cleaning or scraping, not a chance. Mouth wash?  That’s pushing it.  So here is the real tip: go to Costco and get some good-for-your-teeth gum.

They say around 12-14 weeks you can expect to switch over to looser clothes, even maternity clothes.  What they forgot to say is that your shirts probably won’t fit you from day one due to the wonderful breast enlargement/swelling factor.

 

They say that it is all worth it in the end.  Dang….lets hope so.

6 thoughts to “The Truth About Pregnancy”

  1. C’mon….I told you some of that. Ya one of my goals during the first trimester was to brush my teeth by 10 AM and brush my hair each day. Hopefully your second trimester will get better and you should sleep sleep sleep because third…no sleep!

  2. Hahahaha… I loved reading this! So honest. I know my day is coming and it scares the pee out of me.

  3. Ha ha, and the whole “morning sickness should end around 12 weeks thing”… Lie. I’m finally feeling better at 17 weeks but nowhere near the glowing perfection that everyone says the 2nd trimester is. It is a lot better than it was though.

  4. Yeah, pretty much the second trimester is “wonderful” only because it doesn’t suck as much as the first and third trimesters. And beware maternity clothes. They will tell you to buy the same size that you were pre-pregnancy, but in reality you will be a bloated whale by the end, and you will have one good pair of super-stretchy warmup pants that fit you. You will outgrow all the rest of your maternity clothes. Unless you are my friend Jeanie, who ran five miles every morning all the way through the her pregnancy (to the middle of the third trimester).

  5. P.S. After the baby has arrived, it doesn’t always seem worth it at first. Sometimes, you have to wait a few weeks before you experience the real joy and love. Like, when you start to sleep through the night with only two interruptions.

    But then the love is intense, and you’ll wonder how you ever lived without him (or her). : )

  6. You forgot peeing your pants everytime you throw up. Maybe I’m the only one who does that. The truth is ignorance is bliss. Let’s be honest, would you really willingly make the decision to go through it all if you knew all of the crap you have to deal with? We just don’t fill in all the details to keep the race going and to make it easier to forget so we are actually willing to have another one some day down the road. (It is amazing what you can forget in 4 1/2 years!)

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